I've debated writing about this, I've gone back and forth for days...
18 years ago this past Monday my life took a drastic change, in a week and a half it will be 21 years since the first time I experienced this.
I don't like November, it is always a struggle for me, it brings forth memories that I wish I could file away under "Do Not Open."
You see, it was 18 years ago that my brothers good friend (who also happened to be my roommates ex-boyfriend) knocked on our door and woke me up. He walked into my room, shut the door and had me sit down. He then told me that my cousin had committed suicide the night before.
It was 21 years ago, at the age of 16 that my parents sat me down and told me a good friend and classmate I had known since kindergarten committed suicide.
I can remember the details of those talks like it was yesterday, after the news things get a bit fuzzy. I can tell you that for the first 10 of the past 21 years I had dreams constantly that I was frantically searching for them (it was an either or on any given night, never the two at once). I had to find them before it was too late and I never did. I was always too late, they were in a coffin in the most random places. Once I found one of them in a coffin in a grocery store. I had dreams there were miraculous surgeons that were able to fix them and they were ok.
These deaths changed my life, especially that of my cousin. I miss these guys so very much. I no longer have the nightmares, but the memories and the thoughts of them are still very fresh in my mind.
The guilt that is felt by those left behind is immeasurable, as is the pain. I hate November, I wish I could skip over it. Death is not easy in any form, I'm afraid I have attended far more funerals than I have ever dreamed would come about by the time I hit 38.
The holidays are coming, winter is coming, days are shorter and cold. I am sad and crabby and it doesn't take much to set me off. I guess maybe instead of trying to file these memories away I should look them head on, feel it and deal with it. I pray for those that are consumed by mental illness, I pray for those that are alone, I pray for those that have disappointed and hurt me, I pray for those I have disappointed and hurt.
This life is hard and messy, and at times it can feel so lonely it consumes you. There can be years that are a struggle, but we have to have faith that someday things will improve. You have to get up and keep going because you are not alone. Find something that matters, find a place to sit and think and rejuvenate your soul. I know it can be hard, for me it is the mountains and a hike. Unfortunately those are both more than 8 hours away from me.
I try to remind myself life is what we make of it. Some days that reminder is much harder than others. I just hope my kids never feel that despair, I hope that if you are someone that does feel it you reach out and get help. It may take time, but things will get better. You Are Not Alone.
