What No One Wants to Talk About...

I've debated writing about this, I've gone back and forth for days...
18 years ago this past Monday my life took a drastic change, in a week and a half it will be 21 years since the first time I experienced this.
I don't like November, it is always a struggle for me, it brings forth memories that I wish I could file away under "Do Not Open."
You see, it was 18 years ago that my brothers good friend (who also happened to be my roommates ex-boyfriend) knocked on our door and woke me up. He walked into my room, shut the door and had me sit down. He then told me that my cousin had committed suicide the night before.
It was 21 years ago, at the age of 16 that my parents sat me down and told me a good friend and classmate I had known since kindergarten committed suicide.
I can remember the details of those talks like it was yesterday, after the news things get a bit fuzzy. I can tell you that for the first 10 of the past 21 years I had dreams constantly that I was frantically searching for them (it was an either or on any given night, never the two at once). I had to find them before it was too late and I never did. I was always too late, they were in a coffin in the most random places. Once I found one of them in a coffin in a grocery store. I had dreams there were miraculous surgeons that were able to fix them and they were ok.
These deaths changed my life, especially that of my cousin. I miss these guys so very much. I no longer have the nightmares, but the memories and the thoughts of them are still very fresh in my mind.
The guilt that is felt by those left behind is immeasurable, as is the pain. I hate November, I wish I could skip over it. Death is not easy in any form, I'm afraid I have attended far more funerals than I have ever dreamed would come about by the time I hit 38.
The holidays are coming, winter is coming, days are shorter and cold. I am sad and crabby and it doesn't take much to set me off. I guess maybe instead of trying to file these memories away I should look them head on, feel it and deal with it. I pray for those that are consumed by mental illness, I pray for those that are alone, I pray for those that have disappointed and hurt me, I pray for those I have disappointed and hurt.
This life is hard and messy, and at times it can feel so lonely it consumes you. There can be years that are a struggle, but we have to have faith that someday things will improve. You have to get up and keep going because you are not alone. Find something that matters, find a place to sit and think and rejuvenate your soul. I know it can be hard, for me it is the mountains and a hike. Unfortunately those are both more than 8 hours away from me.
I try to remind myself life is what we make of it. Some days that reminder is much harder than others.  I just hope my kids never feel that despair, I hope that if you are someone that does feel it you reach out and get help. It may take time, but things will get better. You Are Not Alone.

The Grain Cart...

Yep 

I've been running a grain cart for Harvest this year...

I was born and raised a "town" kid. I have no experience with large machinery. In fact all the cars I first drove were small. The first time I drove an SUV I was terrified. 

Back to now, they say driving the grain cart is a cake walk. They lied, while it is not the hardest job I've had by any means. It's not as easy as it sounds. 

THey showed me how to drive the tractor, how to shift gears etc. then I was told to put the tractor wheels in the rutts or rows in the field and it will follow those. All you have to do is match your speed to the combine. 

For some reason I thought because tractors are so big and heavy I would have all kinds of control. That is not the case. Tractors are squirrelly. They do follow rutts somewhat but we had a lot of rain and when fields are wet the tractor goes where ever it wants and you feel like you have no control at all. 

When picking beans you have to drive slow and if the combine suddenly comes across a patch of weeds you must slow down even further which can cause the grain cart to get off on timing and grain to be spilled on the ground. 

On dry land corn there are large ditches and steep hills. If you've ever been in a tractor you know you cannot hit a bump at any speed or you and the contents of the tractor will go flying. So once again you have to be in sink when it comes to nearly stopping at these ditches and some hills are so steep and  angled it feels like the tractor will just tip over. 

Then comes the semi, you have to position just right to get the grain in the middle of the trailer or you risk dumping grain on the ground. You also have to be very mindful of how full the trailer is getting or you will overfill it and or once again get grain on the ground. Everything has an order to being turned on and or off. You don't want to put your auger back in with grain in it either or it will spill on the ground. 

When it gets dark it's a whole other story. It's hard to see. I don't have a light on my auger so I am essentially dumping blind. So far I've managed. You learn tricks. When you can see the grain bouncing up off what's in the trailer you are getting full. 

It's long days sitting most of the day bouncing around on rough fields with my neck cocked back to one side or the other. It hurts. There is some downtime in between where you sit and wait. I am not good at sitting and waiting. 

I wish I could say this experience has empowered me and given me a new take on life. However, every time I get my grain cart full and I think I am finally on smooth ground and getting ahead, I hit a ditch and everything goes flying. 

I was talking with a friend the other day about trying to teach our kids that there are a select few people in your life that are the best truest friends you can have and you need to nurture those relationships, care for them as you would your most prized possession. The talked turned to life in general and the comment was made.  "Do I stay where I am somewhat unhappy and struggling to survive, or do I move somewhere I find more beautiful where I might be happy and struggle there?"  

That right there says it all...

For A Cause

Life has been busy as always!!! One of my favorite holidays is the 4th of July! Friends, warm weather, BBQ and fireworks, what more can you ask for.
This year I am helping a friend run a firework stand in Hastings, NE.  The stand not only sells great fireworks, but a portion of the sales also go to a great cause! Save the Paws, Fireworks For a Cause.  The fundraising we are doing is for Start Over Rover, a no kill dog shelter located here in Hastings.
I even did a tv interview for the local news station. I hate being on camera!
If you are in the Hastings area please make sure to stop by and see us, and if you are buying fireworks come buy from us and help support Start Over Rover!

Purpose...

I've been reading, A Dog's Purpose, that along with some of life events have led me to wonder what my purpose is. I had a client a while back that cried her way through the entire massage. She told me in the beginning she hadn't had a massage in over 2 years and would probably cry, life has been rough she said.
She proceeded to tell me her story, one of loss, sickness, and loneliness. There are sessions like this, someone comes to me in need of some "healing". There are times people just need to talk. I am there to listen. I give a little input here and there, not advice. I am quiet when I need to be and just continue with the massage while they cry, and let go of all those emotions.
I could relate to much of what she has gone through, aside from the illness. I do not judge, I suppose that is what makes it easier for people to pour their heart out to me. It goes with everything from life events to body image issues. I don't pay attention to body types, I pay attention to sore, tight muscles.
Life will throw a lot at you. The more you live with jealousy, resentment, hold on to hurt, and grudges, the more you get stuck in those emotions. While with a friend a while back in conversation she said "You have to let that shit go!" Truer words have not been spoken. You have to let those things go, they serve no purpose in your life. It is easy to get caught up in, I for one struggle like no other. But I have found, if I can stop myself in the middle of those thoughts and remind myself to "let that shit go," I feel better.
I mentioned to my client the story of always having what you need around you to heal and that seemed to hit home with her. My life may not be what I thought it would be. I am not nor never will be rich or famous. I am just me, living a quiet existence in a rural area. Occasionally I feel like the walls are closing in and I am bored out of my mind. For whatever reason some of these people were meant to cross my path, I am accomplishing something, even though I may not realize it. I have a purpose, we all do, I just can't really tell you what that is. The fact is I am here and have no other options right now.  I guess I better make the most out of it and find what makes me happy. You can't rely on other people or your surroundings to make you happy,  You have to find it in yourself and go from there. No matter where you are or what you are doing there will be issues, that's life. It's what you do with those situations, how you handle it. That's what makes the difference, after all, this is all temporary.

It's Been a While...

I would really love a lighthearted funny blog...
I guess life just hasn't been as lighthearted as I would prefer lately.
Early on in the process of my divorce I had a friend advise me not to isolate myself. At the time I kind of blew it off...
We lived in Edgar for close to ten years.  We were blessed with the most amazing neighbors on either side of our house. The same can be said for the surrounding block, but the ones on either side went out of their way for us many times.
Last week I attended a funeral for one of those neighbors son. He lost his battle to cancer at the age of 37, my age. My heart broke when I heard the news, this amazing kind, loving family has been through so much the past few years, even more so this last year. It was a meaningful, beautiful service that shone light on an amazing man.
As I was in Edgar at the dinner that followed I realized suddenly just how much I have isolated myself. Colorado was hard for me, being away from my kids and going to school. That being said it was also the best thing for me. I got to be just another face in a sea of faces. No one knew me, I went about my day as me, not as (insert child's name) mom, not as so and so's relative. I was me, just known as me. Don't get me wrong I couldn't be happier or prouder to be my kids mom, I just lost my own identity.
Coming back was hard, I had finally started being comfortable in my own skin. It hit me when someone said, the neighborhood isn't what it used to be when you lived there. There are days it feels like we just left, and days it feels like we've been gone forever. The saddest part is we only moved 13 miles away.
I'm not making excuses for myself, I am just being honest. A lot has happened and changed especially  in the last six months. It was such a change being in Colorado, since I have been back I have really kept to myself. I had someone ask me if I was back yet. I apologize to those I love the most, I shut you out and I have been struggling with how to let you back in. It is me, I have become so self conscience. I just want to keep my kids happy, bear with me as I figure out how to be me again.