Where are you mommy?

I talk to my kids via video chat every night.  It is my favorite time of day. When I left every night for over a week my son would ask... "Where are you?" After hearing me say, "I'm at my apartment in Colorado," and Karys telling him, "Mommy is gone for a little while, but she will be back." He stopped, last night he asked me again...

Where am I sweet baby:

I'm struggling...

I'm exhausted

I'm sore

I have a headache

I miss you so unbelievably much

I'm tired of traffic and car accidents

I don't know how to cook for 1 person

I struggle walking into school each day

I don't want to see all these people

I don't want to be touched anymore

I'm struggling

I say I don't want to be touched, but there is touch I crave, from the deepest part of me...

I would give anything to just wrap my arms around my three sweet babies. I want to give you your night-time bath, lather you up in lotion. I want to sit on the couch and have you crawl up next to me, snuggle in and feel the weight of your little body as you give in to sleep. I want to breathe in the smell of your freshly washed head. I miss you.

I have made it to the half way point of this program. Tomorrow we get the day off, a mental health day. I am planning a hike in the mountains with a couple classmates, and I can't tell you how much it is needed. 

I am struggling, which means it's time to regain my focus. I have to push through and finish strong. I have to remind myself I am doing this, not just for myself, but for you, my precious babies. People keep talking about and asking about plans after school, I don't have a plan yet. I'm struggling because I don't know whats next, and it's driving me crazy.

I had an instructor walk into the room this morning, she was opening cupboards, and obviously frustrated when she shut one and said, "Just... FUCK." I could not have said it better myself. She was trying to make tea for our class, but the cord for the percolator was missing. She wanted to do something nice and uplifting for us. She has seen how hard we have been working, she could see how many of us have hit our wall. Hearing her express her frustration in such a way was so fitting. That's how I feel right now, this profession is about helping people, caring. I have tried to do that too much, I need to put the focus back on me. 

This struggle is temporary, I will push through. 

Mommy is gone for a while, but I will be back and I will be better than I was before. 

Letting Go...

Thursday night I had a friend from NE arrive, she is staying with my through the weekend while she attends some training in Boulder. It has been nice seeing her, but that has also brought on some things I am not quite ready to deal with.  She arrived on the day I found out my divorce was final, recognized by the court. She told me she has been going to bat for me left and right. People are talking yet again... How could she leave her kids and move to Colorado for 6 weeks.
I hope I did not offend her by my response. I said, the last year nearly killed me, and those that feel the need to constantly talk about me and try their best to drag me down and break me, don't know me. I lived there for 16 years and I can say only a small few (so small I can count them on one hand) really know me. I said, people are going to say what they want about me, and in all honesty I don't care anymore. I was basically telling her stop, don't go to bat for me, don't bother because it just doesn't matter, it will never stop.
The last year very nearly did kill me, I was dying. Divorce is ugly... It is painful... I left, I filed, I gave up on the dream I had that I truly thought would last forever when I made that vow 13 years ago. I upset my kids lives, I lost my house, I lost my belongings, I lost the majority of my "friends", I lost some "family", I lost 20 pounds I did not have to lose. I lost respect, dignity, my sanity, my faith. I was not a fun person to be around, I let all of that get to me, I listened to it, I lost myself completely. I was short tempered with my kids, I was the most unhappy I have ever been.
I realize what a gift and blessing I have been given being able to be here away for these 6 weeks. At first it was an act of desperation, I stayed home and raised my kids for 10 years. I did not go to college, how could I possibly support myself and my kids, I had nothing. Here was a school that offered what I have wanted and started working on 17 years ago. It was an intense program but it would be done quickly.
What it has turned into has been so much more. I have not been alone, quite honestly in this sense, ever. I arrived here a hot mess, I still am and probably will be forever. I was emotional, I miss my kids terribly, I switched states, I am driving in Denver traffic everyday twice a day. I threw myself in with strangers.
I am two weeks into the program, almost half way done. I am just now starting to feel ok. I don't panic when the weekend arrives and I don't have plans and will be home alone. Massage is a therapy. You hold so much tension and pain in your muscles. At school I am submerged with people I don't know, some are like long lost people that were always meant to be in my life, others I just don't vibe with. I am being touched daily by a mix of people, exposing some of the areas I want hidden away forever, experiences I want hidden away forever. These muscles hold memories, mostly painful. I am being touched constantly. I am being worked on by students, I walk away every day sore and exhausted, some days I walk away with deep purple bruises.
I'm sure those back in NE are thinking, she ran away, she's partying, and living it up, I could just imagine the images they have conjured up in their minds. The truth is, this has been so hard, some days are hell. The truth is I am being selfish, but I am doing it for myself and my kids. I am working through all the crap. I listened to everything everyone else had to say about myself and my life this past year, you have to do this, you can't do this. I listened and I nearly let it destroy me. I am learning to let it all go. Other people, situations, "advise", opinions, they do not define me.
 I am letting it all go, I am letting those muscles and pain release. It is not a fun process but one I really needed. Once this is through I will have confidence, I will feel accomplished, I will be ok with me and being alone. I will know and be me again. I am finding ways to be happy, I am facing my fears. So much of the past year has come up and tried to destroy other relationships, I pushed friends away because I was constantly questioning, I didn't trust anyone, I needed someone to be here and talk to me, or I felt like I was disappearing. I am slowly letting it all go. I look forward to alone time, and a hike in the mountains. People will always have an opinion about me, and now I am accepting that it is ok. It is just their opinion, it is not me.
I miss my kids, so very much, but I get to have video chats with them everyday. They are ok, they are happy, they are being taken care of. They will get through this, when I return I will be a better mom. I will be much more at peace, happy. I will have a new strength.
To those that are still talking, judging, trying to destroy me... thank you, you are the ones that gave me that final push to change my life, start over and take care of me.

Where the rainbows end...

I am on a journey, to find peace and myself. I will get into that more another day.
I had been stuck in a meltdown--let-down the last few days. Being touched so much in school was bringing up emotions and toxins in general and I just felt like crap.
I knew I wanted to do something today, and I have a couple of things planned. However when I woke up this morning, I was not feeling like doing either of the things I had planned. I was tired, and just not in the mood. Which turned out for the better anyway as the plans got canceled.
I got out of bed and had a video chat with my kids. After that I decided I needed to get out of the house and do something for me.
I have been wanting to take in the aspen as they have just begun changing colors. I wanted to get outside but did not want to drive hours to do so. I did some searching online and discovered Golden Gate Canyon State Park was only 30 minutes from my house... Perfect!
GPS was having trouble finding my ending destination, but I was suddenly determined to go. I found my way to the park and visitor center and then just followed people who looked like they knew what they were doing. I went inside got a park pass for the day and was all set.
There were numerous hiking trails to choose from. At this point in the day it was obvious God had a hand in what was going on. I occasionally just go with my gut and make no plans. These seem to be the times I find the most beauty in the world.
I was driving down the road when I drove by a parking lot, I decided that was the trail I wanted to hike, however the parking lot was full. I continued down the road a few feet and found a parking spot and walked back to the trail I wanted to hike.
I had no idea what kind of trail this would be, as in where it would lead, how long it was, how hard it was, but I continued on. As I was winding my way up the mountain I discovered this trail was lined with aspen. It was so pretty. I said hello to strangers and even stopped to take a picture for a group of hikers.
Let me tell you, I am out of shape. I was breathing hard not long into the hike. I continued on, being aware of the fact that as far as I went up, I would also have to go back down. It was a pretty hike, I really didn't know what exactly I wanted out of the day. I have been feeling drained and empty lately. Like I'm just going through the motions. As I continued on this hike I was starting to feel better, I wasn't as tired, nor as sad.
I had been hiking close to an hour when I came across a small meadow of aspen trees, they had just begun to change and were very pretty, but I did not quit feel satisfied. I kept going and before I knew it I came around a bend... I stumbled upon where all the rainbows end. That's the best way I can describe it. So many large aspen, and they were the brightest gold I have ever seen. It was like looking at a pot of gold. This was it, this was what I was looking for. I soaked in the fresh mountain air and the golden beauty that surrounded me.
I came back down the trail feeling full again. I got these few hours today to really be by myself and just hike and think. I am so blessed to be able to start over again, to find myself and to be selfish for a while.
My cup runneth over. Somedays you just need to stop look around and soak in the small things. Find the place where the rainbows end. Don't let yourself become empty.

Update...

I have noticed people have been checking my Facebook page often... while I no longer have my newspaper column, I have been asked to continue blogging.
Last weekend I made the move to my temporary apartment in Colorado. I recently got a new windshield in my car and it had a couple leaks that I got fixed before I left. Less than five miles before my place I switched lanes to take my exit off the interstate. A semi threw a rock at my windshield and made a huge star and a crack across the windshield. I was not too happy. None-the-less, I made it and got settled in.
My apartment is furnished so it really didn't take too long. The first night I was tired, the second day a friend came over for a visit. It was so nice to see a friendly face. I am without my kids while I am here and it has been rough. I miss them terribly! Monday morning was the start of school. This is an intense program, you receive a lot of information in a short amount of time. The first few days were not so bad... I met some amazing people, got some new friends, and even took in a week day roommate.
The roommate has been such a blessing as she is quite a bit younger than I and she brings some life into the apartment. Day four of school hit, it was a doozy. We each gave and received massages for more than three hours. That is a lot of touch, when you are not used to being touched, it brings on a lot. By the end of the day I had been stretched massaged, worked out and in general exhausted. This not only affects your body, it effects your emotions. I had heard this before, but was having no problems and thought I would breeze through.
I was wrong, I left school with a terrible headache. I got home, put on an ice pack had some wine with my roommate and tried to release the day. I did not sleep well, my headache woke me up at 2 a.m. throbbing. I awoke Friday morning feeling awful. I was tired, sore, my head still hurt, and my emotions were everywhere. I miss my kids so much! I got to school not wanting to be there. Upon speaking with some of my classmates, the consensus was mutual. None of us wanted to be touched, none of us wanted to strip down and get on the massage table. In all honesty I wanted to go to bed and cry.
We all somewhat half assed it through the day, muddled our way through. I for one was very checked out, completely drained.  I came home to an empty house feeling lonely. That is when a friend text me, saying she was in the area. I called my kids, took a shower and pulled myself together. We had both had a rough day, and were both once again on the verge of tears. We had some wine and as the night progressed decided to go downtown and hit a couple bars. I was fully prepared to be in bed by 9 p.m. Instead it was closer to 2 a.m. I am very tired today, but it was much needed.
I am somewhat dreading the coming week, we are getting into deep tissue and I still don't really want to be touched. Like everything else, I will work through it.
My week day roommate will be back on Monday, we are headed to a concert Monday night. I cannot wait. I have not been alone like this ever. It's such a shock, people tell me to enjoy this time. I am trying, it's all about focusing on school. I am now a bit more prepared for the emotional rollercoaster.
Here's to another day...

To the Staff at CCN...

The time has come for my last column...
Where do I start, what do I say? My Tuesday lunches will never be the same.
Tory, thank you for seeing potential in me I didn’t even know I had. It has taught me a lot about myself.
Teri, you keep things going and are always making us laugh.
Michelle, such a caring person, good luck with everything life has in store for you.
Karla, oh Karla, the chats we have. I am trying to make you read the paper this week. (lol)You have taught me so much. You know how to bring me back to reality when things get rough. It’s all about perspective.
Lisa, I will so miss your quotes! You always make me smile, I will keep some of those quotes to myself, so I can laugh when life gets stressful.
Pat, the “grandma” of the office. You are so caring, yet you know when to make jokes.
Ashley, you are one of the most kind, caring people I know. You amaze me, the world could use more people like you!
Melissa, you have been here longer than I, you will do a great job filling my shoes. The shoes you have to fill are very small, even if they were large, you could easily fill them!
Scoop, even though we have a love/hate relationship, you are entertaining and a pretty good cat.
I will miss you all so very much. There were a few days this past year that I did not want to leave the house. Once I came to work, however, I always felt better.
Thank you for listening to me, teaching me, helping me grow both personally and professionally.
This is a huge step in my life, and I am terrified, but I know I can do it.
I have my favorite pair of ripped jeans on, and know I can take on anything.
When you all wear a pair of ripped jeans yourselves, think of me.
A few months ago, Pat made a comment. “That’s what we do around here. We take our arms and we gather people in, and help them get through times like this.”
Yes, I do listen intently to everything everyone here says! (HA)
Such amazing words. I have not always felt this from the community, but I have inside the walls of CCN.
To the county, thank you for reading my column each week. I hope you enjoyed it!
Read Pat’s comment again, and remember it. Apply it to your daily life!
Bye for now...

Struggles and Strength...

We all have years that are more trying than others. This has been one of those years for me...
At the time you are being tested, it feels overwhelming. Even so, we must continue on. Once you get through the roughest times, you grow and find strength you never knew you had.
"Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle."
- Napoleon Hill
The future is an unknown gift. Looking back 18 years ago, I never would have guessed I would be returning to school. Especially just a few years shy of age 40. I cannot begin to imagine where my life will be another 18 years from now.
I can say this job has changed me! I have had to come out of my shell, so to speak. I am somewhat a homebody, I don't like being in the public eye. With this job, you have to be.
I can thank all the readers of this column for building me up. I have never received so many compliments before. Who knew I could write, let alone have people find it interesting!
My time here is quickly coming to an end. I only have one column left following this.
The closer that time comes, the more I feel myself reverting back to that shy, quiet homebody.
This is not the first time I have ventured off on my own, and I won't be completely alone this time. I have dear friends that will be in the area, but I will be without my kids. This just means I need to buckle down and get it done.
I have to say I have gained the most strength from my kids. I hope they always realize how much they mean to me, and how much they have enriched my life. I am so proud of them.
Years from now when they look back at this time, I hope they are proud of me, as well.
I also hope they learn as I have;
—You have to be kind to others. Smile at people, build others up. In turn it will build you up, strengthen your character.
—Be a light in this world, shine on all the darkness.
—Know your worth, and take nothing less.
—Accept some things for what they are, improve what needs to be improved.
—Don't settle and don't let yourself get stuck.
—At some point, others will try and get in your head and bring you down; don't let them.
—Know the truth and live it.
—Love yourself.
—When life gets you down, you must realize it is only temporary; this too shall pass.
—Push yourself to experience and learn new things.
—Wear sunscreen.
—Your heart will hurt numerous times throughout your life; it will be filled with happiness again.
—You are not broken.
—You are beautiful.
—No one is perfect, but in my eyes, you are the closest thing to it.
—You mean the world to me and are the reason behind everything I do.
To those reading this, tell yourself these things also.
This is not a forever goodbye. This is me trying to calm my nerves and tie up loose ends.
If you see my kids while I am gone, smile at them. If you know them, give them a hug. They are such good kids.
Wish me luck, starting over is hard and scary. I am not brave, I am just doing what I feel I need to do. I am building myself back up.