Where are you mommy?

I talk to my kids via video chat every night.  It is my favorite time of day. When I left every night for over a week my son would ask... "Where are you?" After hearing me say, "I'm at my apartment in Colorado," and Karys telling him, "Mommy is gone for a little while, but she will be back." He stopped, last night he asked me again...

Where am I sweet baby:

I'm struggling...

I'm exhausted

I'm sore

I have a headache

I miss you so unbelievably much

I'm tired of traffic and car accidents

I don't know how to cook for 1 person

I struggle walking into school each day

I don't want to see all these people

I don't want to be touched anymore

I'm struggling

I say I don't want to be touched, but there is touch I crave, from the deepest part of me...

I would give anything to just wrap my arms around my three sweet babies. I want to give you your night-time bath, lather you up in lotion. I want to sit on the couch and have you crawl up next to me, snuggle in and feel the weight of your little body as you give in to sleep. I want to breathe in the smell of your freshly washed head. I miss you.

I have made it to the half way point of this program. Tomorrow we get the day off, a mental health day. I am planning a hike in the mountains with a couple classmates, and I can't tell you how much it is needed. 

I am struggling, which means it's time to regain my focus. I have to push through and finish strong. I have to remind myself I am doing this, not just for myself, but for you, my precious babies. People keep talking about and asking about plans after school, I don't have a plan yet. I'm struggling because I don't know whats next, and it's driving me crazy.

I had an instructor walk into the room this morning, she was opening cupboards, and obviously frustrated when she shut one and said, "Just... FUCK." I could not have said it better myself. She was trying to make tea for our class, but the cord for the percolator was missing. She wanted to do something nice and uplifting for us. She has seen how hard we have been working, she could see how many of us have hit our wall. Hearing her express her frustration in such a way was so fitting. That's how I feel right now, this profession is about helping people, caring. I have tried to do that too much, I need to put the focus back on me. 

This struggle is temporary, I will push through. 

Mommy is gone for a while, but I will be back and I will be better than I was before.