Letting Go...

Thursday night I had a friend from NE arrive, she is staying with my through the weekend while she attends some training in Boulder. It has been nice seeing her, but that has also brought on some things I am not quite ready to deal with.  She arrived on the day I found out my divorce was final, recognized by the court. She told me she has been going to bat for me left and right. People are talking yet again... How could she leave her kids and move to Colorado for 6 weeks.
I hope I did not offend her by my response. I said, the last year nearly killed me, and those that feel the need to constantly talk about me and try their best to drag me down and break me, don't know me. I lived there for 16 years and I can say only a small few (so small I can count them on one hand) really know me. I said, people are going to say what they want about me, and in all honesty I don't care anymore. I was basically telling her stop, don't go to bat for me, don't bother because it just doesn't matter, it will never stop.
The last year very nearly did kill me, I was dying. Divorce is ugly... It is painful... I left, I filed, I gave up on the dream I had that I truly thought would last forever when I made that vow 13 years ago. I upset my kids lives, I lost my house, I lost my belongings, I lost the majority of my "friends", I lost some "family", I lost 20 pounds I did not have to lose. I lost respect, dignity, my sanity, my faith. I was not a fun person to be around, I let all of that get to me, I listened to it, I lost myself completely. I was short tempered with my kids, I was the most unhappy I have ever been.
I realize what a gift and blessing I have been given being able to be here away for these 6 weeks. At first it was an act of desperation, I stayed home and raised my kids for 10 years. I did not go to college, how could I possibly support myself and my kids, I had nothing. Here was a school that offered what I have wanted and started working on 17 years ago. It was an intense program but it would be done quickly.
What it has turned into has been so much more. I have not been alone, quite honestly in this sense, ever. I arrived here a hot mess, I still am and probably will be forever. I was emotional, I miss my kids terribly, I switched states, I am driving in Denver traffic everyday twice a day. I threw myself in with strangers.
I am two weeks into the program, almost half way done. I am just now starting to feel ok. I don't panic when the weekend arrives and I don't have plans and will be home alone. Massage is a therapy. You hold so much tension and pain in your muscles. At school I am submerged with people I don't know, some are like long lost people that were always meant to be in my life, others I just don't vibe with. I am being touched daily by a mix of people, exposing some of the areas I want hidden away forever, experiences I want hidden away forever. These muscles hold memories, mostly painful. I am being touched constantly. I am being worked on by students, I walk away every day sore and exhausted, some days I walk away with deep purple bruises.
I'm sure those back in NE are thinking, she ran away, she's partying, and living it up, I could just imagine the images they have conjured up in their minds. The truth is, this has been so hard, some days are hell. The truth is I am being selfish, but I am doing it for myself and my kids. I am working through all the crap. I listened to everything everyone else had to say about myself and my life this past year, you have to do this, you can't do this. I listened and I nearly let it destroy me. I am learning to let it all go. Other people, situations, "advise", opinions, they do not define me.
 I am letting it all go, I am letting those muscles and pain release. It is not a fun process but one I really needed. Once this is through I will have confidence, I will feel accomplished, I will be ok with me and being alone. I will know and be me again. I am finding ways to be happy, I am facing my fears. So much of the past year has come up and tried to destroy other relationships, I pushed friends away because I was constantly questioning, I didn't trust anyone, I needed someone to be here and talk to me, or I felt like I was disappearing. I am slowly letting it all go. I look forward to alone time, and a hike in the mountains. People will always have an opinion about me, and now I am accepting that it is ok. It is just their opinion, it is not me.
I miss my kids, so very much, but I get to have video chats with them everyday. They are ok, they are happy, they are being taken care of. They will get through this, when I return I will be a better mom. I will be much more at peace, happy. I will have a new strength.
To those that are still talking, judging, trying to destroy me... thank you, you are the ones that gave me that final push to change my life, start over and take care of me.